noise from 4/9/2024. makes me sad now (avoidant)

 i have always begged the universe to give me someone to love

pick me! pick me!!

i am so willing to give my all to someone!

i dream of making them raspberry tarts and learning about what they love. 

i reach my arms up to the sky and beg to be scooped up.

i want someone to love! i want to kiss their whole face and never make them feel small. 

i want to have the real conversations and feel safe enough to express my needs. 

i want to be the lover my past partner’s begged me to be. 

i think of the loves lost, of my emotional shortcomings. i hold guilt for not being the best for them. i appreciate them not being their best self to me. i needed them so we could grow but apart.

i want to love someone and thank all they’ve loved before. 

i want to be emotionally vulnerable with someone. i want to be held. i crave the warmth that comes with sharing a bed. 

i want to be emotionally ready before i meet who i’m meant to love. 

i want that to be now. but it doesn’t work like that.

i want t

crazy girl noises

 hello

it's weird to think that i started this my freshman year of college. 

I graduate in the Spring. I'll be getting my BA in Women's, Gender, and Sexuality Studies. I used to have a minor in Leadership, but I didn't finish it. I only need a few more credits, but I'm determined to graduate within four years. I love my studies, and I plan to get my Master's in History. I'm a researcher of history, psychology, and intersectionality. I'm also an HIV tester and work at a donation center AND A LIBRARY! I'm about to start working at an archive, and I'm really excited.  

I never thought I would be here today. It's really strange to think about it. I'm very grateful for my life and the opportunities I've been given and earned. I've become very spiritual. I even took a history of the divine feminine class (IK that's fucking awesome) and it made me even more spiritual... I was in a yoga cult last year for like 6 months also. And-swear i'm not crazy, you just have to know me- I have had many spiritual experiences. Does anyone else remember floating as a child? I would be running in the woods and time would slow but also pass so fast. It was like i was floating above where I was running but I had all the time to observe and appreciate every detail around me. then i would slowly land and i would have covered the distance of the amount i had observed. i saw one other person post about this and i didnt save the post. i wish i could talk to them. 

anyways. i want more friends who know about the destiny matrix chart. I've been looking for more books to get about numerology and such. i have been memorizing the majora arcana for a little while now and i have observed every supermoon and meteor shower this year. it's been a year of the world for sure. i'mm gonna share my destiny matrix chart bc i think it's fascinating. when i found it, i had never felt more seen before. I'm a Hermit 9 core, only have multiples of 3 in my chart, magician 18-9-9 karmic tail, and i swear it really is me. my heart is 21 and 9, i feel like nobody will every know me and i am meant to spend my life in solitude. 👻 also been tripping a lot lately-- that was a crazy first experience. i've always wanted to do psych but never felt like i could get a safe supply. i talked to some hogs and it was fr fucking magical. the hogs were squealing and begging for attention. i looked into both of them for 5 minutes and felt as though they were telling me everything they had every known. i spoke this, and the hogs went silent, all of the animals (goats, chickens) went silent. we all looked into eachother and i felt held. i started crying but i felt no sadness. i did feel empty but also warm, and it was freezing outside so i was being wind-whipped and cold. i've had the willow leaves wrap around my fingers. who else experiences these things? 

TW: anyways the meat of the paper

I've been really depressed again lately. Things felt good again for the first time last year. I was still doing pretty good until 3-4 months ago. I have almost always been depressed, I think since I was like 6. I've always struggled to not harm myself in some way. 2 weeks short of being 2 years clean. I'm 21. It has been so sososoososososososososodfososf fucking hard not to kwwjf recently. i've been kinda letting my therapist know how serious it is but also not really. i got on lexapro. i'm already on buspirone and adderall and they do help a lot. i think lexi is helping? especially now that i have my fucking 20 page research paper out of the way holy fucking fuck. i got a 100 and i'm going to virginia hopefully with it. i got into a conference in peru, but with the state of the war right now, who knows. i hate violence. but fucking hell anyway-- back to not kims. yeah i've been like going kinda insane recently but i don't tell anyone. i kinda joke a little but i'm very just acting nonchalant as always. i really do feel better now that finals are over but fuck. it's just now getting to the point i'm not thinking about how i could ascend every hour. idfk. i know i cant kims bc i don't want to but also there are days where its all i can think about. i really do have a great life, but it just feels so lonely and overwhelming. anywys. cheers to not commiting. been on that cupcake moscato recently. yumyumy

situationship noises

 I haven't been able to find my journal for months. I kept hoping it would reappear or that I would happen upon it eventually. Well, it's been two months and I haven't been able to write. I haven't used Blogspot in a long while. I like the idea of a physical journal more because then nothing is shared, and I like the way writing feels. 

Today I lay alone, but I woke up lying atop a beautiful woman's chest. It always goes like this. She comes over, we hang out, laugh, eat, finally kiss amongst the tension, and then she's in my bed or I'm in hers. We've been doing this for going on three months now. We don't kiss outside of sex, never hug, never really touch. When we have sex, we act like two girls in love who can't keep their hands away. It lasts hours, involves giggles, is incredibly intense, and leaves us holding each other after. After sex, we finally hug and just hold each other for a moment. Last night, I started rubbing her back. I've never done that to her out of fear of it being too intimate. I could have kept going, but eventually we swapped, having an incredibly close night for a situationship.

We then go for our sweet treat while she lingers on the feeling of being fucked, and act like everything is completely normal. All I can think about is how we will fall asleep in each other's arms, me asking permission for each movement out of fear of being too sweet. We lie together in only underwear and insist this is casual- because it is. Then I finally fall asleep atop her breasts, wishing I could kiss her all over, but my window has passed. We will wake up still connected and struggle to free ourselves, and then she will get dressed and leave. We chat for a moment, but she always has to leave early, or I am asked to leave early —which is okay for a casual hookup. We talked last night about the differences between straights, gays, and lesbians when hooking up. We still spend a few hours painting or watching Drag Race before fucking, always alternating who buys our meal before. 

I am fine with this arrangement.

But I don't understand why there's a pattern in my life. Either girls just want to have sex and act like more, or they lovebomb me until I freak out and shove them away. I just want something normally paced. I don't really have the right to complain; I always have options. Right now I'm getting past my former 6 month situationship who I began to love, the girl I've been seeing for two or three months now, a girl who sexually assaulted me on our second meeting, the girl who told me she wanted to marry me after twenty seconds, and the beautiful girl who sits behind me in class that just messaged me on instagram. I feel all this love, but none of it is what I need. Maybe I should begin by loving myself more. I don't really know. I'm just tired of everything being hard. 💫⚢

pretty girl noises

yoooooo

i went on a date with a woman. *imagine me twirling like angelina ballerina*

she is gorgeoussss and hardly let me pay. i felt so bad but i was like omg okay slay. she picked me up!!! we ate some yummy food. i had a chicken sandwich on ciabatta bread overloaded with mayo, i had to wipe a lot off. we ate at a public garden and sat next to a water feature that attracted so many critters. there were ducks with floofy hair and birds and squirrels. we were attacked by a few bugs but survived. she brought coloring books so we sat and chatted and colored. then we went thrifting and we both broke the bank. literally we filled up her car ahah. then i told her about an awesome icecream place and we devoured them. 

she was so cool and we're planning on swimmin and tanning next week :)

cool life noises

 life lately has been awesome. which is still new to me. i am so grateful for everyone i have met and loved. i have been doing yoga, pilates, tai chi, and meditation. i looooove it all i have so much fun. i met a cool dude, he’s a teacher and a coach :) we have hung out twice. he is a bit older, it’s interesting so far but cool. we watch animal documentaries and he tells me about history. i have the strong urge to deep clean his place. it’s not like dirty but it’s a single man’s house. but like sugar daddy era??? jk, kinda. 

i have also gotten really into frogs and lizards and cool animals again. it’s nice to have hobbies. i finally feel ashley again, i tend to lose myself in relationships. i just don’t wanna go boy crazy again. 

i moved again! and i’m getting a new place in july! i am very excited. life is slay. 

i also need a job bc the one i usually have isn’t an option for summertime. rahhhhh

back to yoga. i am aaaDDICTED it is so fun. tai chi is amazing. i had tai chi and a sound healing treatment today. i have yoga tomorrow woot wooot.  pilates on friday. i am getting close to my splits already and it’s awesome.

my dog, buddy, turned fifteen. so 105 in dog years. i cannot imagine him being gone, but i am cherishing our time together. 

also me n my homie are watching the ashley madison doc. it is super good. 

 yooooooo

so update.

the grown man i was chatting with was banned like 2 days after i posted that. I got the ick. 

in BETTER NEWS

I actually cut it off like a mature lady and just told him I was not feeling the vibe. + I actually don't know why I am pursuing men I don't like them

scrambled noises

 hissssss

pop

crackle

scRAAMBLEd eggs!

i love scrambled eggs

add some milk and 

MMHMM

MMM

MHMMMM

they’re delectable. 

my parents make great eggs i miss them

cold noises

 i understand the liberation that independence brings 

but i don’t like being alone.

i know that i am fully capable of existing within my self

but i miss having warmth other than mine.

i have wonderful friends who give me so much love, more love than a man has ever

but sometimes i just want to kiss someone and exist with them.

it’s so strange sleeping next to someone every night then suddenly i’m in a cold bed only big enough for me.

i’m trying to find peace within myself. i’m grateful for the loves i’ve had and the impressions they left on my heart. i’ve learned so much about myself and grown within them 

but all of the vases have been too small. 

i want to find a space where there’s room to grow and flourish

but not yet. 

i want to grow to love the space that i occupy alone

but it’s really hard.