hello
it's weird to think that i started this my freshman year of college.
I graduate in the Spring. I'll be getting my BA in Women's, Gender, and Sexuality Studies. I used to have a minor in Leadership, but I didn't finish it. I only need a few more credits, but I'm determined to graduate within four years. I love my studies, and I plan to get my Master's in History. I'm a researcher of history, psychology, and intersectionality. I'm also an HIV tester and work at a donation center AND A LIBRARY! I'm about to start working at an archive, and I'm really excited.
I never thought I would be here today. It's really strange to think about it. I'm very grateful for my life and the opportunities I've been given and earned. I've become very spiritual. I even took a history of the divine feminine class (IK that's fucking awesome) and it made me even more spiritual... I was in a yoga cult last year for like 6 months also. And-swear i'm not crazy, you just have to know me- I have had many spiritual experiences. Does anyone else remember floating as a child? I would be running in the woods and time would slow but also pass so fast. It was like i was floating above where I was running but I had all the time to observe and appreciate every detail around me. then i would slowly land and i would have covered the distance of the amount i had observed. i saw one other person post about this and i didnt save the post. i wish i could talk to them.
anyways. i want more friends who know about the destiny matrix chart. I've been looking for more books to get about numerology and such. i have been memorizing the majora arcana for a little while now and i have observed every supermoon and meteor shower this year. it's been a year of the world for sure. i'mm gonna share my destiny matrix chart bc i think it's fascinating. when i found it, i had never felt more seen before. I'm a Hermit 9 core, only have multiples of 3 in my chart, magician 18-9-9 karmic tail, and i swear it really is me. my heart is 21 and 9, i feel like nobody will every know me and i am meant to spend my life in solitude. 👻 also been tripping a lot lately-- that was a crazy first experience. i've always wanted to do psych but never felt like i could get a safe supply. i talked to some hogs and it was fr fucking magical. the hogs were squealing and begging for attention. i looked into both of them for 5 minutes and felt as though they were telling me everything they had every known. i spoke this, and the hogs went silent, all of the animals (goats, chickens) went silent. we all looked into eachother and i felt held. i started crying but i felt no sadness. i did feel empty but also warm, and it was freezing outside so i was being wind-whipped and cold. i've had the willow leaves wrap around my fingers. who else experiences these things?
TW: anyways the meat of the paper
I've been really depressed again lately. Things felt good again for the first time last year. I was still doing pretty good until 3-4 months ago. I have almost always been depressed, I think since I was like 6. I've always struggled to not harm myself in some way. 2 weeks short of being 2 years clean. I'm 21. It has been so sososoososososososososodfososf fucking hard not to kwwjf recently. i've been kinda letting my therapist know how serious it is but also not really. i got on lexapro. i'm already on buspirone and adderall and they do help a lot. i think lexi is helping? especially now that i have my fucking 20 page research paper out of the way holy fucking fuck. i got a 100 and i'm going to virginia hopefully with it. i got into a conference in peru, but with the state of the war right now, who knows. i hate violence. but fucking hell anyway-- back to not kims. yeah i've been like going kinda insane recently but i don't tell anyone. i kinda joke a little but i'm very just acting nonchalant as always. i really do feel better now that finals are over but fuck. it's just now getting to the point i'm not thinking about how i could ascend every hour. idfk. i know i cant kims bc i don't want to but also there are days where its all i can think about. i really do have a great life, but it just feels so lonely and overwhelming. anywys. cheers to not commiting. been on that cupcake moscato recently. yumyumy
