lana del ray noises

 im back in my lana phase

my ex-partner was laying next to me when i wrote that previous line.

he was on his side, turned away from me. he was sleeping so peacefully whenever i was lying there, feeling really alone. that sounds silly. i don't like sounding silly. 

                                    but sometimes i just want to be wanted in a romantic way. 

i used to have this list of standards. i would help my friends dump their toxic exes and make them move out. i wouldn't tolerate abusive partners for the women in my life- but i neglected my own.

Winter 2023

my ex-partner never hit me. only yelled at me once. and did not degrade me.

but i felt small. i didn't feel like he wanted me. i knew he wanted the physical me. constantly drooling over my body. i don't enjoy being reduced to a body.

sure, everyone has physical qualities that they are attracted to. but if your only reason for being with someone is because of their body

why are you with them.

do you love them? do you know what their hobbies are? do you know their favorite author? do you know what animals they like? do you know their favorite smell? do you know how much shampoo they use? do you know what makes them sad? do you know what arouses them? do you know how to show your love?

nope. yah don't. and it sucks. it sucks for everyone involved.