bad dream noises

 i am finding it quite hard to sleep.

a few things are going wrong

                       1. i was uneasy before i attempted slumber. s̵̘̈́l̶̨͂o̴̥͌ṯ̴̀ẖ̵̊

                         2. i want to be covered in honey ğ̸̭l̷͍͝ŭ̸̖ṫ̴̺t̴͚͆ő̵̦n̶̤̾ỷ̸͕

                            3. i had a very scary dream w̷͚͐̀r̶͕̻̞̈̿â̴̡̩̂̕͜t̶͔͋̓͠h̵̰͕̩͔̐

                                4. the way i resolved the issue in my dream is not practical g̷̳̀r̷͔̕e̵̩͠è̶̫ḋ̴̡

                                    5. i woke up crying (which is out of character) p̶̡̲̈̿͛̉r̶͖̞̭̼̲̮͒͛̉͌͊ī̴̡̦͈̇̈́d̷͖̞̜̤͍͙͔̖͋e̵̦̩͍̗͎͙͈͛̔̽̌́̅̇

                                           6. i said "stop!" to my brain for thinking those thoughts l̷̰̦͖͆͐̈́̋̀̆̃͗͠͝ṵ̸̧̨̣̱̯̹͈̹̜̠̟̯̪̤̄͋́̀̏̅̀͐̓͛̉̒̾͗ͅs̶̡̛͙̖̰̗͊̇̄͛̋͒̑͠͝ţ̵̧̧̭̫͓̫̳̮͍̰̮̲̿͐̒̓̏̏̓̔̾̓̔́͠

                                                 7. my tattoo is in the itching phase ẹ̴̆̃̚n̴̛̪̎v̴̜̥̰̿͘ỹ̷̬̥͇̚

                                                     

                            sometimes, i think of how it would be to have different problems.

            imagine not being able to move. remember not being able to move. remember being frozen, bound, cut, trapped, stuck, and solid. it doesn't always have to be bad. you can relax in your stillness. 

            imagine not wanting to eat. i've had food taken from me so much that i crave it. i want to eat and eat and eat because i finally can. i beg to be full. i want to stuff my face and be a glutton. 

            imagine not wanting to scream with feminine rage. it's so beautiful and so many fear it. feminine rage is one of the rarest sights but it's breathtaking. we control ourselves. we claim to be so free and wild but then why don't we scream more?

             imagine not having what you want. i want and want and take and take. i can do those things now but i didn't use to. 

            imagine being unsuccessful. i have always succeeded in some manner and i know this. I'm grateful for everything i have. i know that i worked my ass off for my success. nothing was handed to me except food and shelter. but even then, he wanted me to starve. 

            imagine being in love. what if you were in the arms of another human? what is that like? some people have that. some people have had that for years. i don't want to imagine it because then i won't feel jealous. i don't want to imagine it because if i don't, i won't feel alone. 

             imagine feeling unlovable in your own skin. i've quite grown to like mine but that doesn't mean i haven't had that silly feeling of unlovability. i still think that often but i dismiss those thoughts. i don't want to be seen as too needy or unstable but i haven't had a hug in around seven months. i am feeling as full as i can be. it's not a bad thing to want someone. i've filled myself as much as i possibly can. i am not selfish.